Faith and Strength

I had a great conversation last week with my little sister, Andrea.  She and I were catching up on life, and the discussion turned to the day she got the call from my folks that Courtney was gone and we were waiting to deliver her.

Andrea mentioned to me that she prayed that losing Courtney wouldn't lessen the faith that I have in God.  I shared with her, like I did in my previous post "I Will Carry You", that my first thought was to blame God for playing a cruel trick on us.  I explained to her that my mind then went to 20 years ago when we lost my mom.  I told her that I just don't know how else to get through the loss of a loved one without knowing that I will see them again in heaven. I simply cannot comprehend death in a final way; rather death to me is a changing from the earthly realm to being joined again with those who have gone to prepare a way for us.  If I did not have the hope that I'll see my little peanut again, you would not see the person I am at this very moment.  I believe that when it's my time to be called home that I will see Courtney again, and for the first time I will see life in her. 

Andrea also shared with me that the strength she has seen from us has encouraged her.  I need to share with you all that the strength others have seen coming from me is not my own.  It's not.  I am blessed to be surrounded with people that let me lean on them when I need to- friends, family, co-workers, and church family.  I have a husband who is incredibly strong, and who wraps me in his arms when, for no apparent reason, I burst into tears in the kitchen.  I have a dad who lets me be a complete mess while on the phone with him and tells me at the end of the conversations that he's praying for me. I have also felt the strength of prayers from others.

I also have a heavenly Father that lets me be angry with Him while He's holding my heart. Yes, I have been angry with Him, but I had a choice- I could either let the anger be the reason I turned my back on God, or the reason I rely on him more heavily.  I made the choice to lay by burdens at his feet and see where they lead. This past Sunday the sermon in church was about the spiritual practice of prayer- Ask and it shall be given, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened.  The premise of the sermon was the importance of prayer in developing a strong relationship with God.  The sermon reminded me of a lesson I learned a long time ago- God does answer prayer, but it may not be the answer we are seeking.  Courtney's earthly parting from us was not what we were seeking, but being able to turn to God and share the hurt, anger, and sorrow is, for me, such an important part of opening myself up to hear from God what His plan is for my life.   

My strength is not my own.  I could not do this alone, and I am so thankful that I haven't had to. I have seen so many blessings, some little and some more significant, come from Courtney's time with us.  These glimpses that we are not alone and that there is purpose in her life fuels the person that I am today.  I am not the same person I was 7 months ago, nor 10 weeks ago.  Courtney has changed my life, and she has impacted my faith in ways that I cannot explain, but it has also been the most significant "faith filled" experience I have ever had.  Because of my precious Courtney I am a more faithful, greatly humbled, and thankful child of God.