I recently posted this phrase as my status on Facebook:
"There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein
Twenty-four years ago my life changed in an instant. It was Ash Wednesday 1986, and I still remember that day as if it happened last week. I was sitting in class in high school and a message was delivered to the classroom that I needed to go to the principal's office. I am a rule follower and the thought of being called to the principal's office was the first time that day that my stomach dropped out of my body. I had NEVER been to the principal's office and I could not imagine what I had done to deserve the summons. When I arrived I was escorted into the office of the assistant principal and I remember thinking "what is my mom going to say about this when I have to call her to tell her I'm in trouble?" Well, I had my mom on my mind, but it ended up that the visit to the office was about her. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your pastor is on his way to pick you up. Your mother had a massive heart attack and your dad will meet you at the hospital." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and then it dropped out of my body for a second time.
The experience of watching my mom fight for her life was nothing short of a miracle, from the news that she made it through surgery, through the news that more surgery was needed and devastating news after that surgery that if a heart was not found right away for a transplant she would lose her fight. Miracle after miracle- a family made the decision to donate a loved one's organs so that others could experience the miracle of life while their loved one lost theirs, surgery was a success, and each little milestone that we watched for for 2 months while she was in a coma... then walking into her hospital room and seeing her awake. Miracle after miracle. We were living a miracle each and every day, and we had 4 years of miracles while she was still with us.
That experience of watching my mom fight for her life, and seeing the power of prayer at work in our lives, was the second most faith filled experience I have had in my 40 years. You know from other blog posts that Courtney is at the top of the list.
In the past 24 years I had lost sight of daily miracles in the hustle and bustle of daily life, but Courtney is now a constant reminder that miracles can, and still do, happen daily. 15 years of trying to conceive and we finally did... miracle. Seeing her heartbeat and move on the three ultrasounds we had- miracle. Seeing what she looked like while holding my daughter in my arms- miracle. Seeing the ways she has opened our eyes to blessings- miracle. Being able to see God in the grief- miracle.
I've been asked about how I can take an "unfair" situation and be coping the way that I am- I'm choosing to see the positives rather than focusing on the negatives. I'm making a conscious choice to see the "miracles" in every day life. I could dwell on the negative, I could wallow in my sorrow, I could throw myself one huge pity party (my family could tell you that I was REALLY good at that growing up), but I would be missing out on seeing the miracles around me. Is my glass half-empty or half-full? Neither... it's full!
Butterflies on beautiful flowers on Courtney's due date- miracle. Hearing messages that touch my heart in books or songs or sermons- miracle. Being able to smile and laugh about Courtney or any other thing in my life- miracle. Being blessed beyond measure with great friends, wonderful family and the best husband a girl could ask for- miracle. Having my life being held in God's hands... the biggest miracle of all.
My mom and my daughter- the two people who have strengthened my faith in the world are together in heaven... two of God's miracles who have touched my life and who have shown me the power of prayer, the strength of faith, and who have taught me to believe in miracles... both the big ones and the ones that surround us each day.
What are the miracles around you right now?
Seeing
John 9: 1-41 was then gospel in church yesterday morning- the story of Jesus healing the man who was blind from birth. I've heard this story many times, and yesterday it took on a new meaning.
During the sermon our pastor reminded us that this story isn't about the "eyes", it's about "seeing". The story is about how we are blind before we are filled with God's grace, how the washing away of our sins (like the washing of the mud off the eyes) lets us see the world in a new way. (Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.) It's also about taking time to see how God uses people and experiences in our lives to help us to see the world in the way that He wants us to see it, to see the blessings, opportunities and lessons so that we can help others to see the world through His eyes.
Courtney has been just that for me. Courtney has helped me see the world through they eyes of being a mother, the eyes of grief and joy at the same time, the eyes of compassion, the eyes of a deeper faith. I have said that Courtney has been the foundation of the most faith-filled event in my life, and I see the world in a very different way after Courtney's birth.
I hope you don't mind another book reference. I recently read the book "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. She is the wife of Stephen Curtis Chapmen, Christian artist and songwriter. Her book chronicles her life leading up to, through and after the loss of one of her children in an accident that also involved one of her sons. It is a heartbreaking story, yet one that is filled with the encouragement to "SEE" what is going on around you and in you. She challenges readers to see how God uses tragedy, grief, and despair to show us the hope, the joy and the blessings in life.
Courtney is here with me, helping me see the world that God wants me to see. She has shown me the strength of others that I can lean on. She has shown me that beauty is found in the simple things in life (like flowers and butterflies). She has shown me that my heart can melt in an instant in a ways that it never has before, and it still does each time I see her picture or think of her lying on my chest. She has taught me how one of the smallest things in the world can take up the most room in my heart (credit to Winnie the Pooh on that thought). She has certainly changed who I am forever, and for the better.
I had the choice to turn my back on God or to let God use Courtney in my life. If I had made the choice to turn my back I have no idea how I would be handling the grief, the emptiness, and the broken heart. Making the choice to let God use Courtney to teach me lessons, to give me comfort, and to fill some of the emptiness with hope in heaven was one of the best decisions I could ever make. I made the choice to see...
I do wish that I could have seen the world through her eyes as she learned where her toes were, as she threw temper tantrums, and as she had all of the other experiences of growing up. In the absence of those experiences I can imagine her in heaven playing with butterflies, walking around with my mom, and sitting on the lap of Jesus. I can see the work that God is doing in my life through this cute little peanut. I thank God for His amazing grace that gives me the opportunity to "see".
During the sermon our pastor reminded us that this story isn't about the "eyes", it's about "seeing". The story is about how we are blind before we are filled with God's grace, how the washing away of our sins (like the washing of the mud off the eyes) lets us see the world in a new way. (Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.) It's also about taking time to see how God uses people and experiences in our lives to help us to see the world in the way that He wants us to see it, to see the blessings, opportunities and lessons so that we can help others to see the world through His eyes.
Courtney has been just that for me. Courtney has helped me see the world through they eyes of being a mother, the eyes of grief and joy at the same time, the eyes of compassion, the eyes of a deeper faith. I have said that Courtney has been the foundation of the most faith-filled event in my life, and I see the world in a very different way after Courtney's birth.
I hope you don't mind another book reference. I recently read the book "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. She is the wife of Stephen Curtis Chapmen, Christian artist and songwriter. Her book chronicles her life leading up to, through and after the loss of one of her children in an accident that also involved one of her sons. It is a heartbreaking story, yet one that is filled with the encouragement to "SEE" what is going on around you and in you. She challenges readers to see how God uses tragedy, grief, and despair to show us the hope, the joy and the blessings in life.
Courtney is here with me, helping me see the world that God wants me to see. She has shown me the strength of others that I can lean on. She has shown me that beauty is found in the simple things in life (like flowers and butterflies). She has shown me that my heart can melt in an instant in a ways that it never has before, and it still does each time I see her picture or think of her lying on my chest. She has taught me how one of the smallest things in the world can take up the most room in my heart (credit to Winnie the Pooh on that thought). She has certainly changed who I am forever, and for the better.
I had the choice to turn my back on God or to let God use Courtney in my life. If I had made the choice to turn my back I have no idea how I would be handling the grief, the emptiness, and the broken heart. Making the choice to let God use Courtney to teach me lessons, to give me comfort, and to fill some of the emptiness with hope in heaven was one of the best decisions I could ever make. I made the choice to see...
I do wish that I could have seen the world through her eyes as she learned where her toes were, as she threw temper tantrums, and as she had all of the other experiences of growing up. In the absence of those experiences I can imagine her in heaven playing with butterflies, walking around with my mom, and sitting on the lap of Jesus. I can see the work that God is doing in my life through this cute little peanut. I thank God for His amazing grace that gives me the opportunity to "see".
Stories
Stories... everyone has one to share. Right?
Sometimes stories can be told in a short Facebook status update, Twitter update, a text message, a blog, a phone conversation, an e-mail, a letter delivered by 'snail mail', or hundreds of other ways. In my opinion, stories, though, are best shared when you can engage in a personal conversation with others. You see the body language, facial expressions, and the emotion that goes along with that story.
However the story is shared, the important thing is that it is told.
Courtney has been a difficult story for us to tell, but she has also been a story full of blessings that we continue to discover. Some of those blessings are hearing the stories of others.
Last week we were inspired by a story from a woman that we have known for years. She had an infant that died decades ago, and back when she had her little angel it wasn't something openly talked about. She never saw her little one, and my heart hurts for her knowing that she doesn't have beautiful memories of what her son looked like. Last week she talked about her angel, and I am so thankful that we were the recipients of part of her story through her daughter. It still brings tears to my eyes to read the e-mails we received about her story.
A couple of our friends recently celebrated the birthday of their little angel in a very meaningful and beautiful way, and they shared pictures with others of their celebration. A very bittersweet celebration, I am sure, but a celebration of the blessing and the impact that baby has had, and will continue to have, in their lives. They continue to share their story... and I am blessed by hearing it!
I have had others share their stories of miscarriage or loss of a little one as we have opened up about Courtney. My life is enriched through each story shared.
I cannot think of a more painful way to experience grief than to have to hold it inside. I have been so thankful, and I'll continue to say it, that we haven't had to go through this journey alone. and that we have been allowed to share our story. We have been asked about our little peanut, we've volunteered information, we've shared pictures and this blog URL. Shoot, we even talked to a reporter about Courtney! We have been forever affected by this journey, and I, for one, pray that we can continue to be a vessel that God uses to allow others to talk about their experiences, their journeys, their pain. I pray that others who are also affected by the loss of a baby will continue to share their stories. By sharing we find others who are struggling, healing, and celebrating. It helps to know that we are not alone.
Sometimes stories can be told in a short Facebook status update, Twitter update, a text message, a blog, a phone conversation, an e-mail, a letter delivered by 'snail mail', or hundreds of other ways. In my opinion, stories, though, are best shared when you can engage in a personal conversation with others. You see the body language, facial expressions, and the emotion that goes along with that story.
However the story is shared, the important thing is that it is told.
Courtney has been a difficult story for us to tell, but she has also been a story full of blessings that we continue to discover. Some of those blessings are hearing the stories of others.
Last week we were inspired by a story from a woman that we have known for years. She had an infant that died decades ago, and back when she had her little angel it wasn't something openly talked about. She never saw her little one, and my heart hurts for her knowing that she doesn't have beautiful memories of what her son looked like. Last week she talked about her angel, and I am so thankful that we were the recipients of part of her story through her daughter. It still brings tears to my eyes to read the e-mails we received about her story.
A couple of our friends recently celebrated the birthday of their little angel in a very meaningful and beautiful way, and they shared pictures with others of their celebration. A very bittersweet celebration, I am sure, but a celebration of the blessing and the impact that baby has had, and will continue to have, in their lives. They continue to share their story... and I am blessed by hearing it!
I have had others share their stories of miscarriage or loss of a little one as we have opened up about Courtney. My life is enriched through each story shared.
I cannot think of a more painful way to experience grief than to have to hold it inside. I have been so thankful, and I'll continue to say it, that we haven't had to go through this journey alone. and that we have been allowed to share our story. We have been asked about our little peanut, we've volunteered information, we've shared pictures and this blog URL. Shoot, we even talked to a reporter about Courtney! We have been forever affected by this journey, and I, for one, pray that we can continue to be a vessel that God uses to allow others to talk about their experiences, their journeys, their pain. I pray that others who are also affected by the loss of a baby will continue to share their stories. By sharing we find others who are struggling, healing, and celebrating. It helps to know that we are not alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)