One other song that I want to share with you is one that I found after we had Courtney's service.
I came across a You Tube interview with Angie and Todd Smith. Angie has written a book called "I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy", and Todd is one of the members of the Christian group "Selah". Angie and Todd lost their daughter Audrey a couple of hours after she was born. They knew she would likely not live long because of issues discovered during a routine ultrasound at 20 weeks. They wrote a song called "I Will Carry You". You can listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A
Here are the lyrics:
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says
I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
When I heard this song, like "Still" (subject of my last post), it resonated with me. One of my first reactions after hearing that Courtney didn't have a heartbeat was that God was playing a cruel joke on us. I wanted to be angry at God, but instead I found that I was drawn to Him in a way I haven't experienced in a long time, perhaps in 20 years. I found great comfort in knowing that Courtney was in the hands of Jesus, and that she was being shown heaven by my mom, and others who have gone before her. Now I find that I"m praising God for the blessing that Courtney has been in our lives. I'm praising the one who chose us to carry her, even for the short time she was with us.
"Still"
Music has always held a special place in my life. I was, after all, a self-described "band geek" in high school, I was in choir, and I have always felt a special connection to music, especially during difficult times. As I sit and write this entry my iPod is blasting in my ears... I can't sit still when I hear music- I either sing along, hum, or my toes and/or fingers start tapping.
It shouldn't then surprise you that one of the very first things I did when we began planning the service for Courtney was looking up hymns. In my online quest for songs that would help us tell Courtney's story through the service, I came across a list of songs that others have used in services for babies. On one of the many pages I clicked on that day was this song:
"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink
I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind
And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true
Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start
Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true
Chorus:
Lost you . . .
Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you
And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true
Chorus:
Lost you . . .
Here is a link to the song on You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w
We played this at Courtney's service. I think this song really represents the journey were are on. The part of the song that most resonates with me is the phrase "but I know one day God will take me away, and I'm coming home to you." I don't know how I could begin to cope with losing Courtney without the promise that I'll see her again. Our separation is only temporary, thanks be to God!!
It shouldn't then surprise you that one of the very first things I did when we began planning the service for Courtney was looking up hymns. In my online quest for songs that would help us tell Courtney's story through the service, I came across a list of songs that others have used in services for babies. On one of the many pages I clicked on that day was this song:
"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink
I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind
And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true
Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start
Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true
Chorus:
Lost you . . .
Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you
And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true
Chorus:
Lost you . . .
Here is a link to the song on You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w
We played this at Courtney's service. I think this song really represents the journey were are on. The part of the song that most resonates with me is the phrase "but I know one day God will take me away, and I'm coming home to you." I don't know how I could begin to cope with losing Courtney without the promise that I'll see her again. Our separation is only temporary, thanks be to God!!
Grace and the "Courtney Cares" Boxes
One of the most profound ways that Courtney has impacted us is through the people she has brought into our lives. We truly believe that God puts people in our lives when we most need them, and we're finding that we are put into their lives for a reason, too.
The first person we want to tell you about is a remarkable woman named Grace. Grace is the nurse who cared for us, cried with us, and prayed with us while we were in the hospital having Courtney. Grace helped us create the mementos we have of Courtney- including plaster hand and foot prints, a book of information and some snapshots, a hospital bracelet, and an outfit. They are so very precious and priceless to us because they are the tangible things we could bring home from the hospital, since we weren't bringing Courtney home in the way we had planned.
We have kept in contact with Grace since Courtney's birth, and she is quickly becoming a very dear friend. In early January she asked if we would help coordinate a memory box program at the hospital, one modeled after many other programs across the country. This is where the "Courtney Cares" box program starts. Where it goes from here is yet to be discovered. What we do know is that Courtney's life has given us the opportunity to share in this ministry at the hospital, and one that we can use to share with others how Courtney has impacted our lives. Through her legacy we have come to care, very deeply, about families who are unknown to us right now that will be affected by the loss of a baby.
We hope and pray that by providing memory boxes we are helping families create lasting and tangible memories of their babies. Each box is decorated and put together with love. We pray over each box before it is delivered to the hospital- we pray that the family that receives the box finds comfort, peace and strength in the journey ahead.
If you are a recipient of a box, please know that you are not alone in your grief. You are in our prayers, and the prayers of our friends and family all across the country.
For those reading about the boxes, please join us in praying for the families that receive one.
The first person we want to tell you about is a remarkable woman named Grace. Grace is the nurse who cared for us, cried with us, and prayed with us while we were in the hospital having Courtney. Grace helped us create the mementos we have of Courtney- including plaster hand and foot prints, a book of information and some snapshots, a hospital bracelet, and an outfit. They are so very precious and priceless to us because they are the tangible things we could bring home from the hospital, since we weren't bringing Courtney home in the way we had planned.
We have kept in contact with Grace since Courtney's birth, and she is quickly becoming a very dear friend. In early January she asked if we would help coordinate a memory box program at the hospital, one modeled after many other programs across the country. This is where the "Courtney Cares" box program starts. Where it goes from here is yet to be discovered. What we do know is that Courtney's life has given us the opportunity to share in this ministry at the hospital, and one that we can use to share with others how Courtney has impacted our lives. Through her legacy we have come to care, very deeply, about families who are unknown to us right now that will be affected by the loss of a baby.
We hope and pray that by providing memory boxes we are helping families create lasting and tangible memories of their babies. Each box is decorated and put together with love. We pray over each box before it is delivered to the hospital- we pray that the family that receives the box finds comfort, peace and strength in the journey ahead.
If you are a recipient of a box, please know that you are not alone in your grief. You are in our prayers, and the prayers of our friends and family all across the country.
For those reading about the boxes, please join us in praying for the families that receive one.
Welcome to Courtney's Story
Courtney Marie is our little angel, and this blog is her story.
We are Phillip and Kirsten. In July 2010 we found out we were expecting our first child, after 15 years of trying, hoping and praying. God was finally blessing us with the opportunity to be parents and we could not have been more thrilled.
The pregnancy with Courtney was uneventful. Morning sickness, aches and pains, and other normal symptoms were our way of life for 6 months. We were starting to set up a nursery for our little peanut (our nickname from the first day we found out we were expecting)- we bought a crib and dresser, ordered a glider,and were starting to purchase some clothes. Daddy had even bought Courtney her first camouflage!
On the morning of November 22 I felt Courtney moving, as she normally would while I sat at my desk checking e-mails, getting ready for a short week of work with the Thanksgiving holiday. Sitting on the couch that night she didn't move, which was unusual, as that was normally when she was most active. By the next morning, November 23, I knew something wasn't right. I called the doctor's office and they asked us to go in right away so they could check her out. That was when we learned the devastating news... Courtney wasn't moving and there was no heartbeat. We were 26 weeks pregnant.
We were admitted to the hospital for induction, and Courtney was born the following day, November 24. She had a blood clot in her umbilical cord. We were able to spend 6 1/2 of the most precious hours with her in the hospital, taking pictures, memorizing her face, and trying to figure out how to say "goodbye" when we had not had the chance to say "hello".
This is just the beginning of the story of our little peanut. In the following posts we will share pieces of Courtney's story, and how she has changed our lives forever.
Thanks be to God for our little peanut, Miss Courtney Marie! We love and miss you very much!
We are Phillip and Kirsten. In July 2010 we found out we were expecting our first child, after 15 years of trying, hoping and praying. God was finally blessing us with the opportunity to be parents and we could not have been more thrilled.
The pregnancy with Courtney was uneventful. Morning sickness, aches and pains, and other normal symptoms were our way of life for 6 months. We were starting to set up a nursery for our little peanut (our nickname from the first day we found out we were expecting)- we bought a crib and dresser, ordered a glider,and were starting to purchase some clothes. Daddy had even bought Courtney her first camouflage!
On the morning of November 22 I felt Courtney moving, as she normally would while I sat at my desk checking e-mails, getting ready for a short week of work with the Thanksgiving holiday. Sitting on the couch that night she didn't move, which was unusual, as that was normally when she was most active. By the next morning, November 23, I knew something wasn't right. I called the doctor's office and they asked us to go in right away so they could check her out. That was when we learned the devastating news... Courtney wasn't moving and there was no heartbeat. We were 26 weeks pregnant.
We were admitted to the hospital for induction, and Courtney was born the following day, November 24. She had a blood clot in her umbilical cord. We were able to spend 6 1/2 of the most precious hours with her in the hospital, taking pictures, memorizing her face, and trying to figure out how to say "goodbye" when we had not had the chance to say "hello".
This is just the beginning of the story of our little peanut. In the following posts we will share pieces of Courtney's story, and how she has changed our lives forever.
Thanks be to God for our little peanut, Miss Courtney Marie! We love and miss you very much!
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