Have you heard the song "Held" sung by Natalie Grant? You can find a powerful YouTube video of the song at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2m1HZekCcc. Here are the lyrics:
Two months is too little. They let him go. They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live. It's unfair.
This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held.
If hope if born of suffering; if this is only the beginning; can we not wait for one hour, watching for our Savior?
This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held. Yeah, we'd be held.
Oh, this is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.
This is what it means to be held.
As I was talking with my stepmom about some songs for Courtney's service she told me about "Held". I listened to the song, and it was one I had heard before. It just didn't resonate with me that day. On Courtney's due date a friend posted the link to "Held" on her Facebook page, and this time I was, literally, moved to tears. This heartfelt and honest song, to me, is about the hope we can find in the pain. I think I needed to be farther along this journey to have the messages come through the song. A few thoughts that I take from the song:
- "This is what it means to be held"- I've mentioned previously that I have been able to be angry with God, knowing that He was holding my heart in the process- He's holding me, not just my heart but all of me. There have been other times when I have felt the prayers and thoughts of others- others holding us in their hearts and minds. I don't know how to get through the toughest of life's experiences without the support of our family, friends, and our Savior. I've said before that I am so thankful that we haven't had to go through this experience alone. Everyone who has been there for us through this experience has been part of the holding, and we thank God for each of you!
- The news that Courtney didn't have a heartbeat is spoken in the "how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life". The feeling of my stomach dropping out of my body, the gut wrenching sobs of grief, the hollow emptiness,
- "and you survive". We have...and some days that's easier said than done.
- "It's unfair." I've come to understand that phrase in a different way, because I know that my understanding of the bigger picture is so limited, and I have to trust God in knowing how these pieces of life fit together. God works through the times in my life that I see as "unfair" in ways he can't during the times of contentment and joy. The valleys truly help me more fully appreciate the peaks.
- The phrase, "If hope is born of suffering", I believe to be very true. I have found a great deal of hope while allowing myself to feel the pain and suffering of the loss I've experienced since Courtney's death. I have never experienced the emotional pain of life like I have in the past 3 months, but I've also, as I'm mentioned before, never had such a faith-filled experience. The woman who posted the link to the song summed it up this way, "There is healing and joy on the other side. Think of feeling all of your emotions as a way to honor Courtney. She meant enough to you to feel the pain, so you can know the joy."
