A Due Date with Butterflies

Yesterday I had a date with butterflies... and I had another date with them just now. 

Yesterday, as we pulled in the driveway after church and lunch, I noticed a Texas Mountain Laurel tree (identified with the help of one of my cousins) in full bloom, with bright, fragrant purple flowers.  The blooms were attracting butterflies- not just a couple, but perhaps a dozen or more.

  I took my camera outside to capture some of the beauty of the tree, and I couldn't help but think about the meaning of a butterfly. The butterfly is often used in the church as a symbol of the resurrection- the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and appears dead, to only emerge more beautiful than before. 

The butterfly is a symbol of keeping the faith that God has a plan for us while we go through significant periods of change and transformation.  If I've ever experienced a period of transformation and change in my life, it's now.  I believe in God's promise that he is walking beside me in good times and in bad, and the butterfly reminds me that that promise was made by God with great sacrifice in the death of his Son.  God fully understands the death of a child.  Through the sacrifice of Jesus we have the hope of heaven, of eternal life, of joy after the sorrow.



Yesterday, in particular, the butterflies gracefully, colorfully, and beautifully fluttered around the blooms on the tree.  While I sat and just watched them for a few minutes I thought of how I wish I could have shared that experience with Courtney.  She has been on my mind a lot yesterday and today, and how fitting that the butterfly is the symbol I have for these two days.  You see, today is Courtney's original due date.  I made the decision to take the day off of work, wondering what my emotional state might be like today.  I'm at fairly well at peace, and I didn't think I would be.  But then again, with the presence I have felt from God and from Courtney in my life in these past three months, I shouldn't be surprised.  Don't get me wrong- there are still periods of tears today- remembering what was lost, thinking of what could have been- but there is a sense of peace about those thoughts and memories.  I see Courtney's presence in the message of the butterflies, in the fragrant blooms of the tree, in the kisses I believe she is giving me in the light breeze.

As I sit here writing about butterflies, I have the image of Courtney running through a field of flowers trying to catch the butterflies while giggling, jumping, and experiencing pure joy.  Perhaps that's what she's doing in heaven right  now.  What a beautiful thought to take with me the rest of this day!

Life is the journey. Heaven is the destination!

I've shared with you, in previous posts, about my hope of being reunited with Courtney in heaven, when it is my turn to be called home by God. I recently read a book called "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent. You can see information here: http://www.heavenisforreal.net/.

This book shares the journey of 4-year old Colton. He was a very sick little boy, and the doctors did not give the family positive encouragement after surgery. Not only did he heal, he has now shared parts of his story of being in heaven for "3 minutes"- the things he saw, the people he met, and the conversations he had with Jesus. The stories Colton tells about heaven are so simple and straightforward, yet so inspiring and encouraging.

Heaven... the place that has been prepared for us and that we will see through God's grace. I've shared with people over the past almost 3 months that my "concept" of heaven has changed since we lost Courtney. I have always viewed heaven as the end goal, as the final destination where I'll be reunited with my mom, grandparents, uncles, and friends who have gone before me. I've thought of my mom greeting me, showing me around. I've thought of how much fun it will be to pick on my grandmother again (she was such a good sport) and to have a cup of really strong coffee with her and my grandpa. I've thought about seeing my other grandpa and two uncles who all left this earth way too soon, as long as my grandpa doesn't try to give me one of his infamous "whisker rubs"! I look forward to uncontrollable laughing with my Great Uncle Bob and Uncle Paul, the kind of laughter that makes you cry, and laughter that makes you want to grip your stomach because of the workout your abs got from laughing so hard. Now, my thought of heaven has changed to being greeted by Courtney, seeing life in her for the first time, and being able to get to know her in a way that I couldn't while she was with us. I have a sense of anticipation in knowing what awaits. Courtney is now my thought of my entrance to heaven after seeing Jesus. (Colton, in the "Heaven is for Real" book tells a dying man not to worry, that Jesus is the first person you'll see in heaven.)

The best way I can describe my changing of thought about heaven is through "adult Christmas" and "child Christmas".  Let me try to explain:

To me, Christmas as an adult is about spending time with loved ones, and reflecting on the fact that the birth of Christ was the beginning of the resurrection story. Without the birth of Jesus we would not have the sacrifice that gives us the guarantee of heaven through the grace of God.

Christmas as a kid, though, was very different. There was typically that ONE gift that I hoped for every year... the ONE thing that I hoped I would see as I tried to rip off wrapping paper fast enough to see if it was in one of the packages. Would I hit the gift jackpot? Only time would tell.. well, time and a bit of what I thought was smart detective work while snooping through the house looking for the stash of gifts. The book "Heaven is for Real" is a bit of a "snoop" into what lies ahead.

Before having Courtney, heaven was more like the adult Christmas... looking forward to spending time with family who had gone before, enjoying the togetherness and living the promise of heaven.  Heaven after Courtney is more like Christmas as a kid. There is a sense of eager anticipation, wondering what the "gift of heaven" will hold.  I know part of what that gift (heaven) is going to include, and it still doesn't take away ANY of the anticipation.

One of the very first "visions" I had of Courtney after she was born was an image of my mom taking Courtney by the hand and showing her around heaven. I can see my mom introducing her to all of those who have been called home to heaven, and I can imagine how proud my mom is to have her granddaughter in her arms. With my mom, a grandma, two grandpas, three uncles, and lots of others, I'm sure Courtney has not spent a moment alone since she arrived. I've had visions of Courtney sitting on the lap of Jesus, and what a comfort that provides to me.  I anticipate being called "mom" by Courtney when it's my time to be called home. Until then, I know Jesus and my mom will take good care of my little peanut, but I hope they can keep her away from grandpa's whisker rubs, and I hope they don't let grandma give her too much coffee!

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

"Now I lay me down to sleep" is the prayer that my family used before bed when we were little. If I remember correctly we said something like "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. God bless Mom, Dad, Scott, Kirsten, Todd, Shi-Shi, Jesus, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. Amen." It was certainly a start to a lifetime of asking God to bless those significant to us... yes, even the Easter Bunny and Santa. What kid wouldn't want God to bless them? (Shi-Shi, by the way, was the dog.)

This prayer has new meaning to me now, after meeting the next person we want you to know- an angel named Kim. Kim is a photographer who volunteers time with an international non-profit organization called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" (NILMDTS, for short). Grace, who I introduced you to in "Grace and the Courtney Cares Boxes", contacted Kim to see if she would be willing to set aside some of her plans the day before Thanksgiving to take photos of our little peanut. Kim produced absolutely beautiful pictures of Courtney, some by herself and some with us. We are so thankful for her work! We have some other tangible memories of Courtney, but the pictures best help us tell the story of Courtney. Here are a couple of my favorites:

I love the prayer on this picture, and the detail it shows of the little peanut- the "family" nose from my mother's side, the curly hair, and ears that are thankfully my husband's, not my father's! (Couldn't resist, Dad!)

The prayer:

Now I lay you down to sleep,
I pray the Lord your soul to keep;
Within his arms he'll hold you tight,
My Heavenly Angel, My Guiding Light

This is my favorite picture of Courtney. The peace on her little face, and the lamb in her hands constantly remind me that while we feel the pain of grief and loss, she is at peace in Jesus' hands.








The feet on the background of this blog is also from one of Kim's pictures.

Not only were we given beautiful pictures, Kim also put together a slide show, set to beautiful music, of the pictures and some quotes. We are so blessed that NILMDTS and Kim were able to be a part of Courtney's time with us, and because of Kim's work we are able to share the beauty of our daughter with you. To learn more about NILMDTS, visit their website: www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com.

Faith and Strength

I had a great conversation last week with my little sister, Andrea.  She and I were catching up on life, and the discussion turned to the day she got the call from my folks that Courtney was gone and we were waiting to deliver her.

Andrea mentioned to me that she prayed that losing Courtney wouldn't lessen the faith that I have in God.  I shared with her, like I did in my previous post "I Will Carry You", that my first thought was to blame God for playing a cruel trick on us.  I explained to her that my mind then went to 20 years ago when we lost my mom.  I told her that I just don't know how else to get through the loss of a loved one without knowing that I will see them again in heaven. I simply cannot comprehend death in a final way; rather death to me is a changing from the earthly realm to being joined again with those who have gone to prepare a way for us.  If I did not have the hope that I'll see my little peanut again, you would not see the person I am at this very moment.  I believe that when it's my time to be called home that I will see Courtney again, and for the first time I will see life in her. 

Andrea also shared with me that the strength she has seen from us has encouraged her.  I need to share with you all that the strength others have seen coming from me is not my own.  It's not.  I am blessed to be surrounded with people that let me lean on them when I need to- friends, family, co-workers, and church family.  I have a husband who is incredibly strong, and who wraps me in his arms when, for no apparent reason, I burst into tears in the kitchen.  I have a dad who lets me be a complete mess while on the phone with him and tells me at the end of the conversations that he's praying for me. I have also felt the strength of prayers from others.

I also have a heavenly Father that lets me be angry with Him while He's holding my heart. Yes, I have been angry with Him, but I had a choice- I could either let the anger be the reason I turned my back on God, or the reason I rely on him more heavily.  I made the choice to lay by burdens at his feet and see where they lead. This past Sunday the sermon in church was about the spiritual practice of prayer- Ask and it shall be given, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened.  The premise of the sermon was the importance of prayer in developing a strong relationship with God.  The sermon reminded me of a lesson I learned a long time ago- God does answer prayer, but it may not be the answer we are seeking.  Courtney's earthly parting from us was not what we were seeking, but being able to turn to God and share the hurt, anger, and sorrow is, for me, such an important part of opening myself up to hear from God what His plan is for my life.   

My strength is not my own.  I could not do this alone, and I am so thankful that I haven't had to. I have seen so many blessings, some little and some more significant, come from Courtney's time with us.  These glimpses that we are not alone and that there is purpose in her life fuels the person that I am today.  I am not the same person I was 7 months ago, nor 10 weeks ago.  Courtney has changed my life, and she has impacted my faith in ways that I cannot explain, but it has also been the most significant "faith filled" experience I have ever had.  Because of my precious Courtney I am a more faithful, greatly humbled, and thankful child of God.