One Year

So, it's been quite a while since I last wrote.  I was driving home yesterday afternoon and received a message loud and clear... "you need to go home and write".  So, I once again hit on the keyboard and wondered what message needs to be shared... and I quickly realized that I needed to share my thoughts as we reach the "one year" mark of Courtney's birth. 

One year ago we were making plans to drive to San Antonio for Thanksgiving, spend time with family, buy a crib mattress, do some Christmas shopping, to have my mother-in-law feel Courtney move for the first time... never thinking that our world would turn upside down.  On November 23 we heard the words, "I'm sorry, she's not moving and there is no heartbeat".  On November 24 we would lay our eyes on the most beautiful little girl in the world, and then I would try to find a way to say "goodbye".  The best advice I was given was by my husband... "So don't."  I'll get back to that in a minute...

On November 25, the date of Thanksgiving last year, I posted the following message on Facebook- "Today is a day of thanking God for our blessings.  Today we are blessed by and thankful for Miss Courtney Marie who was stillborn yesterday, and for the 6 1/2 VERY special hours we spent with her.  Courtney is loved forever, and her precious hands are now resting in Jesus and with all of our other guardian angels who have gone before her."  On the 23rd we had cancelled our plans to go to San Antonio not knowing how I would be feeling physically, but shortly after that post I knew that we needed to be with family.  So, we made the drive to San Antonio as we were beginning to grasp what in the world life was going to mean as we lived day to day after Courtney's birth.  Thankfully we found the loving arms of family to help shield us from the pain, to sit an listen, to shed tears with, and then to provide distractions from our thoughts.

As we come to Courtney's birthday, she is still very much in my thoughts every day.  I haven't said "goodbye".  There are reminders of her presence in my life all around me.  I talk to her each time I see a butterfly.  I look at my phone many times a day and see her precious face on my screen.  I feel her in the gentle breezes.  I shed tears more often than I ever have before.  And I give thanks to God more than I ever have before.  We have been blessed beyond measure, and Courtney is the common thread in many of the blessings that I can name in my life right now.

This year on Thanksgiving day, which is Courtney's birthday, we'll take the time to remember what we experienced a year ago, but we'll also take time to be thankful for and to celebrate her presence in our lives.  She may not be here physically, but I know she is with me every day.  She has taught me a great deal, she has been the source of inspiration and blessings, and she has given me the opportunity to be called "mom" for the first time in my life. Of course, there are tears, even as I sit here and write, but the tears have meaning, the pain of grief has meaning, and her life has meaning.

Happy birthday, Courtney, our little peanut!  We love you more than words can say, and we miss you more than we ever thought possible.  Thank you for being our beautiful, precious little girl!  And thanks be to God for giving her to us!