I have many memories of celebrating Easter with my family while growing up. I remember the Easter dress that my mom made me when I was in elementary school that matched hers, complete with a matching bonnet and a purse. I remember hunting for Easter eggs and jelly beans (leaving the black ones for someone else to find) before going to church. I remember the little yellow sundress that was in my Easter basket that I just HAD to wear to church that day. I remember the Easter that I went to church covered in scabs after falling off a skateboard (and the fit my mother had when I walked into the house after falling off the skateboard the day before Easter). I remember eating so much chocolate from my Easter basket that I swore off eating chocolate forever (which really only lasted until the sugar crash was over). I remember singing the Hallelujah Chorus with the choir at church in high school and college- especially the goosebumps I got each and every time I sang it surrounded by people who make it sound so incredibly beautiful and personal. And I now remember an Easter filled with grief and tears.
I had an unexpected reality check on Easter morning- we won't have Courtney hand us a homemade cards (complete with misspelled words and hand drawn flowers). We won't see our daughter sing praise hymns in church (complete with adorable hand gestures). We won't see her hunt for Easter eggs...or watch her eat a chocolate bunny.
How did I cope with my reality check? I cried, literally cried, all the way through church. Then I cried in the car on the way home. I cried at home that afternoon and evening... yep, I even cried some the next day.
What helped me get through it? A woman in our congregation who FULLY understands and who was struggling that day too. She came over with a box of tissues and a big hug. An understanding priest who gave me a great big bear hug on our way out of church, knowing that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. The world's BEST husband let me cry on his shoulder...yet again. He let me be a complete mess all day. And, yet again, I heard my dad tell me that he's praying for us. And most of all, I allowed myself to feel the emotions and then I gave them over to God- the anger, the pain, the hurt, the questions, and the grief.
The time between the parting of a loved one from earth and our entry into heaven still hurts... sometimes the pain sneaks up on you and it hits when you least expect it to, even on days that are supposed to be so joyful. While the sorrow exists in the parting on earth, thankfully Easter gives us the promise of joy and the promise of heaven. I am more thankful for that Easter message then ever before.
Miracles
I recently posted this phrase as my status on Facebook:
"There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein
Twenty-four years ago my life changed in an instant. It was Ash Wednesday 1986, and I still remember that day as if it happened last week. I was sitting in class in high school and a message was delivered to the classroom that I needed to go to the principal's office. I am a rule follower and the thought of being called to the principal's office was the first time that day that my stomach dropped out of my body. I had NEVER been to the principal's office and I could not imagine what I had done to deserve the summons. When I arrived I was escorted into the office of the assistant principal and I remember thinking "what is my mom going to say about this when I have to call her to tell her I'm in trouble?" Well, I had my mom on my mind, but it ended up that the visit to the office was about her. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your pastor is on his way to pick you up. Your mother had a massive heart attack and your dad will meet you at the hospital." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and then it dropped out of my body for a second time.
The experience of watching my mom fight for her life was nothing short of a miracle, from the news that she made it through surgery, through the news that more surgery was needed and devastating news after that surgery that if a heart was not found right away for a transplant she would lose her fight. Miracle after miracle- a family made the decision to donate a loved one's organs so that others could experience the miracle of life while their loved one lost theirs, surgery was a success, and each little milestone that we watched for for 2 months while she was in a coma... then walking into her hospital room and seeing her awake. Miracle after miracle. We were living a miracle each and every day, and we had 4 years of miracles while she was still with us.
That experience of watching my mom fight for her life, and seeing the power of prayer at work in our lives, was the second most faith filled experience I have had in my 40 years. You know from other blog posts that Courtney is at the top of the list.
In the past 24 years I had lost sight of daily miracles in the hustle and bustle of daily life, but Courtney is now a constant reminder that miracles can, and still do, happen daily. 15 years of trying to conceive and we finally did... miracle. Seeing her heartbeat and move on the three ultrasounds we had- miracle. Seeing what she looked like while holding my daughter in my arms- miracle. Seeing the ways she has opened our eyes to blessings- miracle. Being able to see God in the grief- miracle.
I've been asked about how I can take an "unfair" situation and be coping the way that I am- I'm choosing to see the positives rather than focusing on the negatives. I'm making a conscious choice to see the "miracles" in every day life. I could dwell on the negative, I could wallow in my sorrow, I could throw myself one huge pity party (my family could tell you that I was REALLY good at that growing up), but I would be missing out on seeing the miracles around me. Is my glass half-empty or half-full? Neither... it's full!
Butterflies on beautiful flowers on Courtney's due date- miracle. Hearing messages that touch my heart in books or songs or sermons- miracle. Being able to smile and laugh about Courtney or any other thing in my life- miracle. Being blessed beyond measure with great friends, wonderful family and the best husband a girl could ask for- miracle. Having my life being held in God's hands... the biggest miracle of all.
My mom and my daughter- the two people who have strengthened my faith in the world are together in heaven... two of God's miracles who have touched my life and who have shown me the power of prayer, the strength of faith, and who have taught me to believe in miracles... both the big ones and the ones that surround us each day.
What are the miracles around you right now?
"There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein
Twenty-four years ago my life changed in an instant. It was Ash Wednesday 1986, and I still remember that day as if it happened last week. I was sitting in class in high school and a message was delivered to the classroom that I needed to go to the principal's office. I am a rule follower and the thought of being called to the principal's office was the first time that day that my stomach dropped out of my body. I had NEVER been to the principal's office and I could not imagine what I had done to deserve the summons. When I arrived I was escorted into the office of the assistant principal and I remember thinking "what is my mom going to say about this when I have to call her to tell her I'm in trouble?" Well, I had my mom on my mind, but it ended up that the visit to the office was about her. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your pastor is on his way to pick you up. Your mother had a massive heart attack and your dad will meet you at the hospital." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and then it dropped out of my body for a second time.
The experience of watching my mom fight for her life was nothing short of a miracle, from the news that she made it through surgery, through the news that more surgery was needed and devastating news after that surgery that if a heart was not found right away for a transplant she would lose her fight. Miracle after miracle- a family made the decision to donate a loved one's organs so that others could experience the miracle of life while their loved one lost theirs, surgery was a success, and each little milestone that we watched for for 2 months while she was in a coma... then walking into her hospital room and seeing her awake. Miracle after miracle. We were living a miracle each and every day, and we had 4 years of miracles while she was still with us.
That experience of watching my mom fight for her life, and seeing the power of prayer at work in our lives, was the second most faith filled experience I have had in my 40 years. You know from other blog posts that Courtney is at the top of the list.
In the past 24 years I had lost sight of daily miracles in the hustle and bustle of daily life, but Courtney is now a constant reminder that miracles can, and still do, happen daily. 15 years of trying to conceive and we finally did... miracle. Seeing her heartbeat and move on the three ultrasounds we had- miracle. Seeing what she looked like while holding my daughter in my arms- miracle. Seeing the ways she has opened our eyes to blessings- miracle. Being able to see God in the grief- miracle.
I've been asked about how I can take an "unfair" situation and be coping the way that I am- I'm choosing to see the positives rather than focusing on the negatives. I'm making a conscious choice to see the "miracles" in every day life. I could dwell on the negative, I could wallow in my sorrow, I could throw myself one huge pity party (my family could tell you that I was REALLY good at that growing up), but I would be missing out on seeing the miracles around me. Is my glass half-empty or half-full? Neither... it's full!
Butterflies on beautiful flowers on Courtney's due date- miracle. Hearing messages that touch my heart in books or songs or sermons- miracle. Being able to smile and laugh about Courtney or any other thing in my life- miracle. Being blessed beyond measure with great friends, wonderful family and the best husband a girl could ask for- miracle. Having my life being held in God's hands... the biggest miracle of all.
My mom and my daughter- the two people who have strengthened my faith in the world are together in heaven... two of God's miracles who have touched my life and who have shown me the power of prayer, the strength of faith, and who have taught me to believe in miracles... both the big ones and the ones that surround us each day.
What are the miracles around you right now?
Seeing
John 9: 1-41 was then gospel in church yesterday morning- the story of Jesus healing the man who was blind from birth. I've heard this story many times, and yesterday it took on a new meaning.
During the sermon our pastor reminded us that this story isn't about the "eyes", it's about "seeing". The story is about how we are blind before we are filled with God's grace, how the washing away of our sins (like the washing of the mud off the eyes) lets us see the world in a new way. (Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.) It's also about taking time to see how God uses people and experiences in our lives to help us to see the world in the way that He wants us to see it, to see the blessings, opportunities and lessons so that we can help others to see the world through His eyes.
Courtney has been just that for me. Courtney has helped me see the world through they eyes of being a mother, the eyes of grief and joy at the same time, the eyes of compassion, the eyes of a deeper faith. I have said that Courtney has been the foundation of the most faith-filled event in my life, and I see the world in a very different way after Courtney's birth.
I hope you don't mind another book reference. I recently read the book "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. She is the wife of Stephen Curtis Chapmen, Christian artist and songwriter. Her book chronicles her life leading up to, through and after the loss of one of her children in an accident that also involved one of her sons. It is a heartbreaking story, yet one that is filled with the encouragement to "SEE" what is going on around you and in you. She challenges readers to see how God uses tragedy, grief, and despair to show us the hope, the joy and the blessings in life.
Courtney is here with me, helping me see the world that God wants me to see. She has shown me the strength of others that I can lean on. She has shown me that beauty is found in the simple things in life (like flowers and butterflies). She has shown me that my heart can melt in an instant in a ways that it never has before, and it still does each time I see her picture or think of her lying on my chest. She has taught me how one of the smallest things in the world can take up the most room in my heart (credit to Winnie the Pooh on that thought). She has certainly changed who I am forever, and for the better.
I had the choice to turn my back on God or to let God use Courtney in my life. If I had made the choice to turn my back I have no idea how I would be handling the grief, the emptiness, and the broken heart. Making the choice to let God use Courtney to teach me lessons, to give me comfort, and to fill some of the emptiness with hope in heaven was one of the best decisions I could ever make. I made the choice to see...
I do wish that I could have seen the world through her eyes as she learned where her toes were, as she threw temper tantrums, and as she had all of the other experiences of growing up. In the absence of those experiences I can imagine her in heaven playing with butterflies, walking around with my mom, and sitting on the lap of Jesus. I can see the work that God is doing in my life through this cute little peanut. I thank God for His amazing grace that gives me the opportunity to "see".
During the sermon our pastor reminded us that this story isn't about the "eyes", it's about "seeing". The story is about how we are blind before we are filled with God's grace, how the washing away of our sins (like the washing of the mud off the eyes) lets us see the world in a new way. (Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.) It's also about taking time to see how God uses people and experiences in our lives to help us to see the world in the way that He wants us to see it, to see the blessings, opportunities and lessons so that we can help others to see the world through His eyes.
Courtney has been just that for me. Courtney has helped me see the world through they eyes of being a mother, the eyes of grief and joy at the same time, the eyes of compassion, the eyes of a deeper faith. I have said that Courtney has been the foundation of the most faith-filled event in my life, and I see the world in a very different way after Courtney's birth.
I hope you don't mind another book reference. I recently read the book "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. She is the wife of Stephen Curtis Chapmen, Christian artist and songwriter. Her book chronicles her life leading up to, through and after the loss of one of her children in an accident that also involved one of her sons. It is a heartbreaking story, yet one that is filled with the encouragement to "SEE" what is going on around you and in you. She challenges readers to see how God uses tragedy, grief, and despair to show us the hope, the joy and the blessings in life.
Courtney is here with me, helping me see the world that God wants me to see. She has shown me the strength of others that I can lean on. She has shown me that beauty is found in the simple things in life (like flowers and butterflies). She has shown me that my heart can melt in an instant in a ways that it never has before, and it still does each time I see her picture or think of her lying on my chest. She has taught me how one of the smallest things in the world can take up the most room in my heart (credit to Winnie the Pooh on that thought). She has certainly changed who I am forever, and for the better.
I had the choice to turn my back on God or to let God use Courtney in my life. If I had made the choice to turn my back I have no idea how I would be handling the grief, the emptiness, and the broken heart. Making the choice to let God use Courtney to teach me lessons, to give me comfort, and to fill some of the emptiness with hope in heaven was one of the best decisions I could ever make. I made the choice to see...
I do wish that I could have seen the world through her eyes as she learned where her toes were, as she threw temper tantrums, and as she had all of the other experiences of growing up. In the absence of those experiences I can imagine her in heaven playing with butterflies, walking around with my mom, and sitting on the lap of Jesus. I can see the work that God is doing in my life through this cute little peanut. I thank God for His amazing grace that gives me the opportunity to "see".
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