One Year

So, it's been quite a while since I last wrote.  I was driving home yesterday afternoon and received a message loud and clear... "you need to go home and write".  So, I once again hit on the keyboard and wondered what message needs to be shared... and I quickly realized that I needed to share my thoughts as we reach the "one year" mark of Courtney's birth. 

One year ago we were making plans to drive to San Antonio for Thanksgiving, spend time with family, buy a crib mattress, do some Christmas shopping, to have my mother-in-law feel Courtney move for the first time... never thinking that our world would turn upside down.  On November 23 we heard the words, "I'm sorry, she's not moving and there is no heartbeat".  On November 24 we would lay our eyes on the most beautiful little girl in the world, and then I would try to find a way to say "goodbye".  The best advice I was given was by my husband... "So don't."  I'll get back to that in a minute...

On November 25, the date of Thanksgiving last year, I posted the following message on Facebook- "Today is a day of thanking God for our blessings.  Today we are blessed by and thankful for Miss Courtney Marie who was stillborn yesterday, and for the 6 1/2 VERY special hours we spent with her.  Courtney is loved forever, and her precious hands are now resting in Jesus and with all of our other guardian angels who have gone before her."  On the 23rd we had cancelled our plans to go to San Antonio not knowing how I would be feeling physically, but shortly after that post I knew that we needed to be with family.  So, we made the drive to San Antonio as we were beginning to grasp what in the world life was going to mean as we lived day to day after Courtney's birth.  Thankfully we found the loving arms of family to help shield us from the pain, to sit an listen, to shed tears with, and then to provide distractions from our thoughts.

As we come to Courtney's birthday, she is still very much in my thoughts every day.  I haven't said "goodbye".  There are reminders of her presence in my life all around me.  I talk to her each time I see a butterfly.  I look at my phone many times a day and see her precious face on my screen.  I feel her in the gentle breezes.  I shed tears more often than I ever have before.  And I give thanks to God more than I ever have before.  We have been blessed beyond measure, and Courtney is the common thread in many of the blessings that I can name in my life right now.

This year on Thanksgiving day, which is Courtney's birthday, we'll take the time to remember what we experienced a year ago, but we'll also take time to be thankful for and to celebrate her presence in our lives.  She may not be here physically, but I know she is with me every day.  She has taught me a great deal, she has been the source of inspiration and blessings, and she has given me the opportunity to be called "mom" for the first time in my life. Of course, there are tears, even as I sit here and write, but the tears have meaning, the pain of grief has meaning, and her life has meaning.

Happy birthday, Courtney, our little peanut!  We love you more than words can say, and we miss you more than we ever thought possible.  Thank you for being our beautiful, precious little girl!  And thanks be to God for giving her to us!

Courtney's Story- an reporter's perspective

We are so pleased to share a link with all of you written by another person we want you to meet... Rhiannon Meyers.  Rhiannon is a reporter with the Corpus Christi Caller Times, and she spent several hours with us in February.  She has so beautifully written Courtney's Story for others to see.

http://www.caller.com/news/2011/jun/25/reeling-from-loss-of-her-only-child-kingsville/

Rhiannon was connected to us through the hospital, and through Grace, whom you have met in other posts.  God truly puts people in our lives when we need them.  I believe Rhiannon was put in our lives to help share the story of Courtney with others who are grieving, especially in those who have not found the voice to tell their own stories.  My heart hurts knowing that there are people who are grieving silently... God knows their pain and they certainly are not alone.

Rhiannon, thank you for so beautifully telling our story, and for the courage to be a voice for all who can relate.  You are a treasure!

EEK! (It's not a scary post, I promise!)

EEK!  

Nope, I'm not scared, I'm celebrating some amazing women with that very simple three letter word!  I'd like to introduce you to the Epiphany Episcopal Knitters (also known in our congregation as EEK!).  The knitters have lovingly and prayerfully knit or crocheted 21 hats that I will be taking to the hospital when I deliver the next round of Courtney Cares boxes this week.  

This project is an incredible ministry of 5 women who have the patience and the skills to make the tiny stitches, while also thinking of and praying for the end recipient of the hats.  

The woman who took the lead in organizing of the making of the hats, Catherine, has asked each one who is knitting or crocheting to pray for the family who will face a long journey of grief and healing.  From Catherine's invitation to the knitters, here is her prayer for each hat:

"God of goodness and mercy, thank you blessing me with the opportunity to share my love and concern for others through something tangible.  Bless and guide my hands that I may create something that may be even a small comfort to the family who receives it.  Pour your loving spirit into the challenging days they will face.  Give them the strength and the reassurance that they are surrounded by friends, and even strangers like me, who are praying for them.  Protect all your children, O Lord, especially the perfect child of Yours who will receive this cap;  and bring all Your children home in Your time to the Heavenly Kingdom that awaits us though the merciful gift of Your Son, Jesus Christ.  Amen."

Knowing that a baby will, literally, be covered in love and prayers of these amazing women while they wear these precious hats will hopefully bring some measure of comfort to the families that will receive them.  Catherine not only had the idea to make the hats, but also wanted these hats to carry the prayers of many others, so she asked our priest to bless the hats with the prayers of the congregation during church yesterday morning.  It was such a moving experience to be a part of this congregation as we prayed over these hats and for the families.  

Thank you, Catherine, for your idea and leadership, and all of the other EEK! members for such an amazing contribution to the families who receive a hat... It becomes yet one more tangible memory that helps to tell the stories of our little ones. Each hat is different from the next, just as each of our angel babies are from each other.  The other very touching part of this story is that these 5 women range from 15 years old to a woman in her retirement, at least a 50 year age range!  The love for these angels and families knows no age... and each hat was lovingly and prayerfully made for a family that loves and grieves deeply.  

God bless EEK! and all those touched by this wonderful gift.